Last holiday season was honestly one of the most emotionally straining, spiritually challenging and heart wrenching times I had experienced in our 16 years of being a family.  From before Thanksgiving until after Christmas our little family was continually challenged, in ways that I just did not see coming from people that I would never have expected it from.  I am here a year later (after a very long, intentional break), not to point fingers, fight for my side of what happened or even “clear any air,” I am here to talk safe boundaries and safe people. 

As a Christian, there were times when I had felt pulled into not wanting to offend someone, and at the same time, needing to stand for what is good, honest and true, needing boundaries.  I became a mother, and I started to think about my children, their hearts and spirits and guiding them in the ways they should go.  I knew that as an example for my children, I had to start standing up for safe boundaries in my life (which as a recovering people pleaser, was admittedly hard and has been work I have been in for the last 8 years).  Prayerfully I began setting boundaries in my life, I became a fruit inspector (as scripture calls us to judge the fruit of people, behavior and situations, that is where I started).  As I began this change in my life, I started to see people whose fruit was revealing to me that I needed to make healthier/stronger boundaries, and safer relationships.  This healing work has not been a bed of roses, but worth the peace that it has brought to my home, my spirit and my heart.

A lot of times, when I heard the word ‘boundaries’ it felt restricting, negative and even bad.  Author Lysa TerKeurst in her book, Good Boundaries and Goodbyes, she describes boundaries God gave the oceans.  The ocean is beautiful; sunsets, waves, cool water refreshing in the heat of a summer sun, and the amazing creatures within – it is an incredible work of God.  As wonderous and magnificent as the ocean is, it can be dangerous.  The ocean can be violent, loud, and deadly.  God gave it a shoreline, he gave it a boundary. (See Proverbs 8:29, Jeremiah 5:22).  When the ocean crosses those boundaries, tragedy usually follows.  Boundaries are necessary, not only in nature but also in relationships.  This image of the wild yet gorgeous ocean that needed such a boundary, it changed my paradigm two years ago.

Family.  A God created family, and it can be something beautiful, wonderous and amazing.  When family members are healthy and have healthy boundaries, it can be magnificent.  Without healthy boundaries leading to unsafe situations, families can be violent and damaging.  Now we cannot control other people’s actions, however, there seems to be this “right” that family claims over people. I have experienced this pressure from family all too often: “So and so is your __________” fill in the blank (mom, dad, sister, brother, uncle, aunt, etc), “you have to ________.” Fill in the blank again (invite them, allow them to come, go and see them, celebrate with them, allow them to bring alcohol, etc).  Even if we have seen behavior that is alarming, scary, painful and even dangerous, for some reason we can get pressured into continuing to be in the presence of that person just because they are family.  This cyclical system in the family is what leads to trauma and opening the door for unsafe people to have access to you. 

Back to last year, there were situations arising where I was starting to feel unsafe in them, passive aggressive behavior, dishonesty, back biting, and manipulation.  Before I even saw it with my eyes, my body going into fight or flight showed me first.  After trying to apologize in person for an error I made, and working on the hard stuff as a family so we could move forward, the fruit of the relationship began to show.   More deceit, more manipulation, undefined/unrealistic expectations of me from the other person – the whole situation became crazy making behavior and for the safety of my heart I needed to set clearer boundaries.  I had to disengage.  I had to stand for what was good, right and true.  I had to realize no matter how hard I tried to go above and beyond, it would and could never be enough for this person.  As I type this, I still feel the effects on my body remembering the countless behaviors and actions we had to face last year – but God brought us through. 

We set safer boundaries for our family, we had to see that our marriage, our children and the peace of our home had to measure above the behavior and opinions of others at this pivotal moment.  So, we did, we dug in, we stood tall and stayed prayerful.  As we did this, we began to see more truth about what was going on, we began to see the fruit of this behavior affecting all of those around them. 

I only share our experience for other mamas who may have faced the same in the past and are preparing to face it again for the sake of the holidays, or who may be as caught off guard as I was by the behavior of someone you though to be different. 

To the mom who knows this type of behavior from family, I highly recommend Good Boundaries and Goodbyes by Lysa TerKeurst, the books: Boundaries, and Safe People by Dr Cloud and Dr Townsend, as a good place to start.  Be prayerful, find a pastor, or trusted mentor to talk to and start looking at the fruit of your relationship.  Both Lysa and Dr Cloud have great podcasts that helped me before and after this time in my life.  Start setting and defining the boundaries needed for you and your family.

To the mom who may be caught off guard, set boundaries early and stick to them.  “Sorry, our family cannot be accessed that way.”  “I do not like to be spoken to like that.” “My family, my choice.” Think about what is important and that may need to be protected and protect it.  “We will have to pass but thank you.”  “We love you; we just cannot do that.”  Healthy boundaries set early, keep homes healthy, be mindful you may have to set boundaries you did not know you needed, but be encouraged to stand for what is good, right and true (I would caution against standing for ‘your truth’ but to stand for the truth of the Gospel).

Terra Mattson M.A, LMFT, LPC, shares an excellent model for helping to sift through your relationships.  Red Light, Green Light and Yellow Light people.  Red light people have shown the fruit that they hurt, they do not care they hurt you and will not change, red means stop, a boundary needs to be placed here.  Yellow Light, be cautious, these people can hurt and will feel bad but do not change much, firmer boundaries may be needed in the future. Green Light people can still hurt you but there is empathy, there is change, there is work for the relationship.  They respect your boundaries, green means go.  (Check out her and her husband’s podcasts, Living Wholehearted, and Dear Mattsons.  She is also a Certified Family and Marriage Therapist, Executive Coash and Author, she works in trauma healing – I highly recommend her work).

Be encouraged, remember that your family does not have the right to you just because they are related – if they have proven themselves over and over to be harmful to you and your immediate family (marriage and/or children), boundaries are the place to start.  Be willing to forgive, as forgiveness does not give them freedom to harm you again, but it gives you freedom from the hurt they placed on you.  Be cautious, listen to your discernment and your body – fight or flight response is a subconscious response by your nervous system when your brain starts to recognize a situation that is unsafe.  Lastly, be a fruit inspector – let actions speak louder that words, they will tell you the heart of the situation. 

I pray that my experience can help you in your motherhood, whether past, present or future,

x.  earnest mom.