Cell phones. We all know them, most of us have them, some of us love them, some of us hate them. Some days I feel tethered to this tiny pocket computer. It has me wanting to throw it away. Then I realize how much I depend on it. We are self employed and every call is potential income – this pressure can be a lot. Then there is the scrolling, listening, reading and mindless games that I use it for to. As a 40 year old adult with a fully formed brain, there are times I struggle to regulate on my phone. So when it came to the decision to introduce a cell phone to our oldest, we were weary and hesitant.
The first requests for a cell phone came as early as 8 years old. We shrugged them off with the answer, “You can have a phone when you go to college.” We were certain about one thing. We were not going to consider a phone before the age of 13. Once 13 came around, our now teen was asking for a phone. We home school, and he spends most weeknights at karate. Otherwise, we spend most of our time together. He was asking for a phone mainly for entertainment and talking to friends. We decided to revisit it in one year.
In that year, I did research. Brain development and behavior related teen and child phone usage. The findings were worrisome at best. The dopamine-driven feedback loops (or dopamine hits that our brain gets from digital stimulation) was most alarming. This happens every time we get a notification or find something new and exciting, our brains gets a small dopamine hit. This reward comes to us at unpredictable intervals and our brains get hooked on the need for more. As an adult, I have concerns about what this is doing to my brain. Yes, I do have social media. Yes, I do struggle and use phone limits as reminders to stop scrolling. With this in mind, a big question I had was, how will this impact my teen’s growing brain? This kept me in the no camp for sure on cell phones. There of course are many other concerns but this one, on a developmental level was once of my biggest.
A year later, he was now 14 and asking again and again for a cell phone. So my husband, our teen and myself had a discussion…actually we had many discussions about getting a cell phone. We came to a resolve that our 14 year old would have to write us two 5 paragraph essays. One essay had to tackle the negative effects of cell phones and social media on teens today. The second essay needed to be persuasive. It should explain, with references, why he should still get a cell phone after all he had learned. This was early 2024. By Christmas, we had received 2 papers. They had been written, revised, and rewritten a few times. After more discussions around what his findings here, we decided to get him a cell phone.
The influence of social media was another concern, and on this topic we have decided no social media until 18. Our son actually came up with this plan. He decided not to be on social media. He made this decision after doing the research and learning about how social media is affecting his peers. He could not believe the way social media interactions was negatively impacting teens his age and even people he knew. He decided that all social media was not good until you are an adult and maybe even after that.
Once we decided to get the phone, we had lots of discussion. We talked about how the phone will be used. We also discussed why, when, and where it will be used. Who will be on his phone, who can have access to him. I am still uneasy at how intimate texting can be, something I struggle to balance too. We installed an AMAZING parental control app (Aura). We then talked about time limits, safe apps and what we expect. I have heard of some parents having a written contract. We decided, however, to build an experience around ‘being a man of your word.’ We honor all we commit to, even verbal agreements. Ground rules for every family will be different. I will not be explicit here. However, we lean more towards conservative usage than liberal.
The phone has been in our teen’s hands for 6 months now and it has not been without its hiccups. I am thankful for those times though. As parents, we are still able to guide and coach our teen. We help him through life situations that some teens may hide or feel alone in. He still has mom and dad in his corner. No matter what he is facing, we are thankful to be alongside him in this space. We have many discussions on appropriate language and behavior on text. We emphasize using manners with friends and respecting boundaries. We also focus on establishing boundaries early and often for healthy friendships. These friendships are important even if they are mainly through text and digital spaces.
There are many resources available about cell phone and social media effects on teens and children. One resource I love is Wait Until 8th. The site is full of resources. It supports families dealing with phones and social media. It also has a pledge. Wait until the end of 8th grade (or later) before giving our children a smart phone. We learned about Wait Until 8th at the end of last year. I have already taken the pledge for my youngest earnest kiddos. By default, our oldest was in 9th before he got his smart phone. Looking for a community waiting on smart phone use with kids? Take the pledge with me and get the support you need as a parent. Let’s wait until after 8th together.
Let me know if you are taking the pledge!
And remember, we are getting through motherhood together, one EARNEST MOMent at a time – you are not alone mama.
Love, Earnest Mom
earnestmom.com 