The Hands of a Parent

Recently, I was walking with my 7-year-old, hand in hand.  As I was getting us from our parking spot to our destination I started to think about the action of our hands in parenting.  Our hands are essential in the process of raising children, from birth until they move out—they remain involved throughout our parenting journey.

Breaking it down into ages and development levels, our parenting approaches can be hands on or hand off if we choose.  From helping hands to cheering hands, let’s explore how we HAND-le parenting our little humans.

Helping Hands start from birth, your baby is born and right into your hands when they arrive.  When holding a baby, they are completely and beautifully dependent on us.  From holding bottles or breast, diapers or burp cloths, baby’s contact is holding hands all through those early formative months.  We stroke a cheek, wipe a bottom and lift to hold them heart to heart with us in comfort and love.  Cradling and holding are so intimate and build the parent-child deep connections in their growing brains.

The next stage is Hand Over Hand.  Baby begins to crawl and toddle, causing us to follow closely and help them to learn the safety and dangers of the world around them, keeping our hands over their hands.  Leading them directly by touch and our words we teach them as they explore their surroundings. 

The third stage is Holding Hands.  Just as I was earlier with my little guy, holding hands allows us to be side by side with our child.  We are holding to one hand, still guiding and leading but also allowing them to lead in small spurts as well.  We are still tethered to them hand in hand so when they misread safety signals, we are still there to stop to prevent danger but still a bit more freedom.  I love the image of side by side, next to one another, still intimate yet slightly more independent.

By the fourth stage we find ourselves with Guiding Hands.  We have led and shown over and over, creating neural pathways of routine, expectations and a life of relationships, working and playing.  As we guide our children, we gradually let go, and they may push us away a bit.  They will begin the stages of, “You do not have to walk me to the bus anymore, just watch from the porch,” or “Please do not hug me in front of my friends.”  We are quite hands off here, but we are close enough that when we may need to catch them, hold them or show them a safe way – we still can.

Parenting in the next stage is Waving Hands.  We are on the sidelines, allowing harmless mistakes where we can still scaffold and advise before leaving home.  We are coaching, up until now we have helped them develop an array of tools to use when facing life, but they are still in our home, so we can still come together and review and give help on an ongoing basis.  I always remind my children in the younger years, there is nothing they can do to make me love them less – nothing.  Building a foundation of trust knowing they can come to me with anything at all.  As we watch our children at this age, almost adult, we will get glimpses of the man or woman they are becoming and yet we can still offer tips and coaching as they grow – waving to remind them “I am here!”

The final stage is Cheering Hands.  Here our children are leaving home, finding their own path and growing their own family.  A parent’s role continues throughout their life, but during this period, they can observe and support from the sidelines – get ready to cheer!  Cheer them through post-secondary education or into careers, starting a family and becoming the man or woman they were called to be.  As a child, I remember my games, plays, and presentations at school, with two working parents, my grandparents were always in the audience – cheering me, they were also cheering my parents.  Celebration happens so much in adult milestones, graduations, job offers, big moves, showers, weddings, etc.  This is a time where parents get to celebrate and watch the hard work of those early blurry days pan out before their eyes.

Our hands play such an important role in parenting, and it is essential for children to rely on them. Whether it is the touch of a baby’s bitty fingers, holding hands while crossing a street, or applauding in support, our hands contribute significantly to our children’s development. In my indigenous culture, it is believed that every action has an impact for the next seven generations, which highlights the long-term role of parental actions – our hands.  You mama, you will be known by your 5-times-great-grandchild by what your hands do today.  How beautiful.